1 year and 8 days

Guilty.

The days since my last blog post have been good.  I had a fantastic birthday week, I’ve been doing better in school, and the days have flown by without a thought of suicide or depression. My days have been great but yet, I feel this guilt nagging at me. I feel guilty that things are going well in my life and I feel guilty that I’m not struggling. It’s an uncomfortable feeling – the feeling that you get when something is going to go wrong soon but you don’t know what it is. I feel anxious when I’m not plagued with problems, like I’m being selfish or putting myself about others.

Have you ever had a great day only to come home and realize that you may have wronged someone or that you were just too happy to notice others? I don’t even know if this is making any sense.

Now that the dust has settled and my birthday/wave of tests has passed and I have time to just be alone with my thoughts, I’m feeling the weight of my burden again.  There’s a strange peace that comes with it though – like I can just be enclosed, encapsulated in this sadness.  Its what I’m used to – what I’m comfortable with.

I’m going to a boat party in a couple of weeks and I was really excited until I realized that my scars are still there.  I’ve only worn a two-piece once since I’ve carved the scars into my body.   I was teaching one of my best friends to swim, and I still felt self-conscious even though no one was in the vicinity besides me and him.  This will be a little different though; it’ll be in broad daylight with a bunch of strangers I don’t know.  What if they ask where I got it? Do I blow it off? Do I tell them my story? I’m probably blowing this way out of proportion.  I forget that people aren’t all staring at me, even if they seem like they are.  They have their own problems and they’re worried about themselves.

I asked my ex-boyfriend if they’re noticeable; he said they were but that it is a part of who I am and I shouldn’t be self-conscious about it.    He’s the only one who gets me fully and completely, as much as a human can anyway.  I hate living without him; I hate not being able to text him about everything and having that special person who loves you and supports you no matter what – who spoils you when you don’t deserve to be spoiled and who thinks about you and cares for you when you’re having a bad day.  I can’t tell him I miss him though, because it would be selfish.  I don’t want us to get back together because I know in my heart that God didn’t mean for us to be together, but I miss my person.  We were great together; we worked as well as two people could humanly work together, but I know that he’s not the right person for me.  By breaking up with him, I was putting God first, for me and for him. I don’t know how much of that he recognizes, but it still sucks not seeing him all the time and it sucks that we couldn’t work out.

This post shouldn’t be published honestly. It was just a mess of a rant and I don’t even know what the point of this is.  There’s no message or moral to this story, only that maybe the absence of God in this post aligns with the absence of God (on my part of course) in my life.  If you cast God to the side, I can guarantee that whatever you put first won’t bring you the joy you’re looking for.  I know that I’m becoming apathetic in everything and that I need to be vulnerable.  Maybe the point of this post was to show myself that.

 

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359 days

I love to cut. I don’t know what it is – maybe it’s the feeling of control. Maybe it’s the exhilaration – the rush of satisfaction you get when you see the blood bubbling out of your skin. It’s beautiful, like art.  It’s majestic, like a symphony.  It’s a breath of fresh air, a way to break free from the numbness, like your legs have been trapped in quicksand for days and you’re finally able to take a step.  It’s a moment of clarity – like your head has been in the clouds all day, filled with menial tasks you haven’t completed and scenes of your mistakes over the day that won’t stop running over and over again, when suddenly you’re rocketed back to reality, only the hole in your chest is gone.  It’s a feeling of calmness – a stillness that consumes your body.

But after that, I’m left with blood all over my clothes and a task to formulate some believable facade of how I accidentally cut said piece of my body in case anyone sees; a couple of hours hour, the pleasure is gone.

In 6 days it will have been a year since I’ve cut last.  It will have been a year since I’ve said no to harming myself and said yes to acknowledging the strength I have been given by God.  I’ve gone without cutting for a year before, so this isn’t exactly a record but this time is different.  Cutting’s great – if it wasn’t so taboo I probably wouldn’t have anywhere else in my body left to cut up.  While there are times where that I do miss it, I have to be honest with myself and admit that it’s just a quick fix.  There are days where I fantasize about not being on this earth anymore.  I hate hearing about suicides of people I know and love not only because I’ll miss those people, but also because I always feel a twinge of jealousy – there’s a part of me that is happy that they’ve found the peace that I want.  However, looking at the bigger picture, I know that this isn’t what I want.   want to live in heaven with Jesus forever, where there is no pain and no suffering.

If you’re reading this, you may think my life is filled with despair and emptiness.  Many days it does feel that way, even though I’m doing much better than I was a few years ago, thanks to anti-depressants. However, I’m thankful for this burden.  Sharing my story has helped a couple of my small group girls this year; the moments I hear that my efforts were worthwhile are the moments that I am fully positive that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that he is working through me.  When gold is put through fire, its impurities float to the top, where they can be removed and made more pure.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,  so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

– 1 Peter 1:6-7 (ESV)

Our faith is put to the test through trials – in the genuineness of our faith can we find joy.  This life is not our own. I have to remember that I can’t do God’s will if I’m dead.  You never know what kind of impact your words and actions can have on someone. Your words are powerful – they can tear down and destroy others, but they can also mend brokenness and maybe even save a life. So be kind, love others fully, and remember that your life is not just your own